


Fade

by Moongirl12121



Series: Blue Ghosts [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Blue Lion is PROTECTIVE, Dark, Depictions of mental torture, Gen, Hallucinations, Insanity, Langst, M/M, Mental Torture, Mind Control, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, Possession, Suicide, The Author Regrets Everything, astral planes, be warned, but just in case, dubious ending, evil druid magic, i just like making Lance suffer for some reason, memory manipulation, not graphic depiction of suicide, now with two sequels, shklance not the focus, sleep walking?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 06:53:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11572701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moongirl12121/pseuds/Moongirl12121
Summary: I always had Keith's back, even when he insisted on grabbing that jar of glowing Quintessence. But once we had the Quintessence, we were separated. I was stopped from following Keith by a strange, cloaked figure."Oh, you'll do quite nicely Blue Paladin. Quite nicely indeed." Her evil cackle haunted me even months after running from her.Sometimes, it even seemed as though the corridors around me literally echoed with it. Usually only after I woke up in strange place after strange place.It was just a bout of stress-induced sleep-walking right? Nothing to worry about?





	Fade

**Author's Note:**

> Alrighty! This is my first one-shot I've ever done. Normally I try to drag things out, but I felt this idea would work better in this format if I ever wanted to get it published online.  
> I'm gonna go ahead and apologize for any and all mistakes as I don't have a beta reader, but I've gone over it several times myself. If something sounds funny, sorry, that's probably just how my personal style is.
> 
> I wouldn't call the violence or gore in this story 'graphic' but, just in case, I want you to be warned that I do describe it at least somewhat.  
> I was inspired for the title from the Vocaloid song of the same name, done by Circus-P. I highly recommend listening to it, the lyrics are quite moving.  
> Please enjoy!

Keith had tried to steal that stupid glowing stuff in the giant jars. Someone had warned him it was a bad idea. At this point I whole-heartedly agreed with that statement.

"Keith you idiot!" I yelled, chasing after him as we booked it down a metallic hallway, trying to find our way out. Several drones were shooting at us, a few hits managing to singe my uniform, or very nearly hit me.

The mullet head didn't deign my insult with a response, instead just gritting his teeth and engaging his shield, trying to keep it behind him and the shots off his internal organs. We kept running for what seemed forever until we abruptly came out into a large hangar.

It was mostly empty but for a few fighter ships. Cursing, I followed Keith as he jumped over the edge of the balcony we had entered on. The drones followed, but several broke on impact. _How cheap are these things? They fall apart almost as easily as sand castles._ I grumbled to myself, stumbling when a shot got perilously close to my foot.

"Shit!" I cursed louder, zigging away from Keith, splitting the two of us up so we would be smaller targets at least.

Rounding the corner of a fighter ship I threw myself to the ground, spinning around to aim my bayard. Firing off several shots of my own, I dropped two of the drones that had been pursuing us. Four more approached my position, and I scrambled up, running to the wall and finding a few places to perch.

Carefully aiming, I took down the drones that had gone after me. Keith, I noticed, was almost on the other side of the hangar where a doorway gaped open. The six drones that had followed him were being beaten back with his own bayard. I still took out two of them, just to be nice. Not that Keith seemed to notice. _Or care._

When the drones were gone, Keith relaxed somewhat. The glowing jar of stuff was still clutched tightly in a hand, and he hugged it to his chest protectively. Looking for me, he nodded when our eyes connected. Without saying anything with words, he turned down the corridor, leaving me to follow.

Sliding down the wall, I made to follow him. Pain lanced through my body before I could take two steps, and I fell to my knees, gasping.

A woman in purple garb stepped out of shadows that appeared from nowhere. Her face was largely cloaked by the large purple cowl, but I could see the glowing yellow eyes and purple skin that marked her as a Galran. Long, silver hair hung past her shoulders, swaying as she moved closer.

"Blue Paladin, you will do nicely," she remarked, grabbing my throat. Her eyes glowed brighter, and purple energy crackled around us. I screamed as the pain burned through me, starting at where her too-hot skin touched mine. It felt like my very _soul_ would melt.

"Oh _yes_ , most nicely indeed," her hoarse voice and dark chuckle grated against my nerves. Without warning she dropped me to the ground. The pain ended the moment she let go, but my lungs needed to catch up on the lost oxygen.

Before I could raise my bayard and attack, she had vanished into shadows again.

Warily I stood, testing out my limbs carefully.

" _Lance? What happened to you? I thought you were right behind me._ " Keith's voice over the comms jarred me from my contemplation, and I went jogging into the hallway I had seen him take.

"Sorry about that, some weird chick showed up and hit me with some sort of magic, and then left? It was really confusing." My feet pounded down the floor, ringing too loudly in my ears. I tried to brush off what had happened, but since I didn't really know what _had_ happened, I couldn't really do as well as usual. 

Luckily for me, everyone else was too busy fighting their way back to their lions to really pay attention to what I had said. Even Keith, as I came into the hangar the two of us had landed in, watching as Red took off.

Blue crooned gently at me, rubbing against me mentally. It was a comforting non-touch, and I appreciated it. We escaped from the base we had infiltrated, and made it back to the Castle of Lions in one peace thankfully. No one commented on my reply to Keith's question, and I didn't really feel the need to bring it up. After all, I felt fine, the pain was like it had never been there at all.

…

I wake up on the bridge, Allura's frowning face looking down at me _again_. In the past three months I had begun waking up in strange places, with people telling me that they had seen me walking there. Apparently I looked determined, and they didn’t realize I wasn't awake until they would find me collapsed there later on.

Of _course_ I had developed freaking Space Sleep Walking™!

"Lance, are you sure this is normal behaviour for humans?" Allura sighed, standing at the helm and adjusting something I couldn't read.

Shaking my head, I smiled. "Yeah, it'll happen sometimes. Don't worry, at least I'm not doing anything dangerous," I replied, standing and stretching. Unfortunately I had discovered that whenever I would sleep-walk, I would wake up more exhausted than I had been when I went to sleep.

"Don't you worry about a thing Princess, it's fine. I'll be fine. I'll just add an extra lock to my door, yeah?" I mused, half to myself, and half paying attention to her reply, which I subsequently brushed away with a wave of my hand.

My own room was a little messy, not terribly so. There was a stack of folded laundry I hadn't put away yet, and I had accidentally left out my latest lotion concoction that Coran was helping with.

Flopping onto my bed, I closed my eyes, sighing in contentment at how soft the sheets were.

…

My eyes flew open, my body up and moving.

_What's going on?_ My thoughts were slurred, images blearily making their way to my brain to be processed. I was moving, rummaging through a box of some sort.

I felt something squeeze around me, a malicious energy that burned just as that Galran's had. With a jolt I realized I couldn't move my body, _I wasn't the one moving my body_. Horrified, I began to struggle, feeling as though a noose was closing around my neck, and bars of a prison pressing against my mental hands as I threw myself against the barrier that kept me from controlling myself.

_How troublesome. You're really awake now aren't you?_ That same, gravely voice raked claws against my brain. I felt like I needed to gasp at the pain of it, but could only scream.

_I will have to stay longer than usual then. That's annoying. You're making me cut my mission shorter. I'll have to… punish you for that Blue Paladin._ She mused, more claws raking across my mind.

Abruptly I was plunged into a memory, it seemed kinda random, the choice.

My hands were small, and my father's lap was warm. He was reading a book to me, I was falling asleep.

New memory, my mother was tucking me into bed, kissing my head. She then turned and kissed all of my siblings. I was first because I was born first, I was proud of this fact.

New memory, all my little sisters demanding I fix their hair, I had gotten better even than mother. They would squeal when I would announce I had learned a new one, all four of them demanding that I try it out on them first.

New memory, my lone little brother wanting to play knights and dragons, with me as the dragon, keeping the princesses locked away while he defeated me in the most adorable way possible.

New memory, my family gathered around the table during Christmas, our heads bowed over the laden table. My own eyes looked out at everyone as father said grace, a grin pulling at my lips.

_Ah, a family person aren't you? How disgusting._ The woman -Haggar- spit, venom dripping from her words and burning the memories, taking them from me. _Wouldn't you rather remember something like… this?_

New memory, sitting in a church, the priest declaring of all the good deeds my mother had done in her life. A closed casket took up a large space behind him. My family wasn't looking at me. They were several pews in front of me. I was sitting alone. _It's all my fault, it's my fault_.

New memory, a sharp cry and a snap in my hands. I look down, seeing the dead eyes of a Galran woman, her jaw slack, her neck twisted at an unnatural angle. "MOTHER!" Someone screeched, a tiny body hurdling into my side, dislodging my hold on the woman.

The memories kept coming, each more horrible and gruesome than the last. Some were of my family dying, others of me tearing families apart by brutally killing someone. When Haggar figured out I was the sharpshooter, she made them more personal.

I was taking people out from a distance, watching as they collapsed and their families screamed, the people around them panicking, trying to hide their own families, their own loved ones.

I gagged at the sights being forced into my mind. They were horrifying. Phantom muscle memories surfaced, and I knew if I had been in control of my body my hands would have twitched, remembering something that had never even been there.

_STOP! MAKE IT STOP!_ I screamed, hoping to alarm her enough to let me go.

She merely chuckled, raking more pain across my every surface. _This is the price you pay for going against the Almighty Galra Empire._

As the pain increased, I stopped noticing what she was doing. Nothing existed except the agony she forced on me, shredding my soul bit by bit.

…

I watched her, sometimes in my right mind, more often than not, I wasn't. I watched as Haggar played at being me. She wasn't very good at it, but it almost seemed as though… as though no one on the team noticed. Hunk had pulled her aside once to twice, asking if I was okay. Haggar brushed him off with ease and a smile.

"What me? I'm fine, just trying to grow up, ya know?" My voice spilled from my mouth, her words making me want to gag and scream that _it isn't me, I need help!_

Assured, Hunk didn't bother much, just accepting her answer. It was almost more than I could take as the months passed. Keith and Shiro got together. Haggar sneered at my emotions, twisting them and making me see visions of them dying, either by my hands or theirs, or hers, or _her as me._

Haggar even pointed out something I would have never noticed. The both of them were giving me longing looks.

_They only want you now because I'm here. Should I indulge them for you?_ Her words cackled through my mind, and I shrunk away, trying to lose myself in the darkening madness she seemed to cloak me in every time she wanted to try something 'covert'. I once caught her musing her frustrations that she couldn't read any of the languages on the ship. Not even to fly one of the pods. The only use I was to her was to gather information that could personally hurt the other Paladins, not battle plans, or even really our whereabouts. That part was a relief.

I wanted to puke my guts up when she approached them, seducing the both of them. They fell into a happy life, but as it most often does, things will usually get ruined, or I suppose in this case saved, by the alarm.

A planet had sent in a distress signal, and Voltron was needed to defeat it. Not once in the many months Haggar had been controlling me had we needed Voltron. Would Blue even let her in?

The answer was a swift, and very final no. Not only would Blue not let her in, but her particle barrier was up. No matter how much Haggar pounded on it, no matter how much she reached the part of my soul that connected to Blue's and hacked at it, Blue would not let her in. She was furious, knowing that her cover was practically blown.

" _Lance! What the hell man? Get in your lion!_ " Shiro's voice was tight and strained over the comms.

" _What kind of game are you playing at Lance? We need you to form Voltron! Those people down there are counting on all of us! Get your quiznak in gear and get in the Blue Lion!_ " Allura shrieked, her voice even more strained and desperate than Shiro's.

"I can't." Haggar bit out, hands trying to dig into the particle barrier. "Blue won't let me in."

Six exclamations of 'what?!' and varying shades of dismay echoed across the comms before silence fell.

" _If this is true, then we have no choice but to try and defeat this without you. Or maybe… Allura? Do you think you could try Blue?_ " Shiro's voice sounded the same, but as though he were trying to force a calm across the group. It didn’t work at all, but I was sure the group appreciated the effort.

Blue crooned with sadness at the very back of my mind. She knew what was wrong, but she felt powerless to do anything about it.

Allura came down into my hangar, immediately assessing the truth of Haggar's words. Blue allowed her in, but closed up tightly when Haggar tried to rush forward.

Cursing, she decided to turn her anger on me. Taking my body back to my room, she stripped me down. With her dark energy, she began lashing at my body, it didn't leave much of a physical mark, but it almost felt what I imagined touching a lightsaber would be like. She locked away my mental screams, reveling in them.

When she grew tired of that, she showed more gruesome images, this time, true ones of what she had done to Shiro, and what she wanted to do to the other Paladins. These were the worst yet, and I could do nothing to escape them.

…

Shiro and Allura were livid when they got back from the mission. Allura had done alright as Blue, but it had been tenuous at best.

"How could you have lost the bond with Blue? What did you do? Lance! You know we're counting on you! The universe is!" Shiro was harsh, but I could see the deep concern in his eyes for me.

Hunk was more concerned about what this could mean overall.

I wasn't concerned. Haggar would have to leave now. If I couldn't be the Blue Paladin, I would be forced to leave, and she would have to leave anyway. I was relieved.

_You do know that the only reason why you even knew I was here in the first place was because of a small mistake right? I could come back at any time, you wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Plus, with your mind so broken like this, why would they even want you?_ Her voice twisted through me, and I almost gasped.

She was completely right. I had no defense against her. I wasn't even sure how she had gotten inside my head, in the first place. Maybe she had even planned for something like this to happen, that once she was out of my head, I would be too scared to tell the team for fear of what they would do to me. Or had some kind of plan in place that would make something horrible happen once she was gone.

_What if I do those things she showed me? What if she twists me in such a way that I… that I_ want to? The thoughts were horrifying enough, but Haggar's delighted chuckle made a shudder run down my spine.

_I won't let her do that, my Paladin. You must believe me._ Blue's voice was so faint, almost blocked out by Haggar's shrieks of laughter as she tore her way out of my head.

My mouth opened by my command for the first time in almost a _year_ , and I used it to scream. Of course I muffled the scream in my pillow. My entire body twitched in the aftershocks of her evil energy; once they were over, I managed to sit up.

Every other blink and I saw a horrifying image instead of my room. The only thing keeping me rooted were my hands clutching the sheet. I squeezed my eyes shut so tightly it looked like lights exploded behind them. When I finally opened my eyes again, it was to see my normal room. _Blink_. The arena with Shiro charging at me. _Blink_. My calm room.

"Damnit, now this is just overboard." I hissed, trying to keep my eyes open for as long as possible.

"You're absolutely right, but you aren't yet." Iverson leaned against the wall of my room. I blinked a few more times, and upon still seeing him there, frowned.

"You aren't actually here," I stated plainly, crossing my arms and standing to my feet.

"Look at this everybody, McClain is actually not a complete idiot, _two sentences_ in a row!" He barked, eyes piercing me in every vulnerable spot Haggar had left wrenched open.

I tried to wave him away, but he continued to stare, not moving from his spot. Deciding I wouldn't be rid of him and that it wasn't worth the effort, I began to prepare.

"What are you doing cadet? Making a diary entry? 'Dear diary, today Haggar finally stopped possessing me because she got bored with me, like everyone always does. Now I have to kill myself because life isn't worth living.' How pathetic do you get McClain?" Iverson sneered, suddenly only a foot behind me.

Ignoring him was my best bet then. I set up the recording feed that Allura had given us. Pidge had insisted that we keep record of our time, as it was the best way for future generations to know about us, and our real history. They also said it was for science, which made me think they were stockpiling the most embarrassing admissions, and would play them like those cheesy, confessional booths on the crappy reality TV my mother used to watch. 

Pressing the button to start, I cleared my throat, and froze. Across from me sat a Shiro that looked startlingly familiar but frighteningly different. His eyes glowed yellow, and he was absently burning marks into the desk with his activated Galra hand.

"Don't mind me weakling, go ahead, I won't stop you," he spoke, not even looking up from whatever design he was making in the metal.

Gulping, my eyes refocused on the camera.

Before I could lose my nerve, or something even more horrible could happen, I began to blurt out everything that had happened since I had encountered Haggar, and Keith had stolen what I now knew was Quintessence, over a year ago. 

Not Shiro was smirking throughout the story, and even started to chuckle darkly when I briefly explained the images Haggar would make me see.

"That was enough to break you? You poor, wretched fool. You even saw some of the shit they put me through, and you're disgustingly _weak_ enough that that broke you? Just that? It's no wonder you're the Blue Paladin, you're replaceable, weak, and too easily broken." Not Shiro sneered, the contempt in his voice so similar to some of the tones real Shiro had used on me. I felt my heart shatter a little more.

I didn't respond to him however, instead addressing each member of the team and apologizing to them all. I apologized for not being strong enough, for allowing Haggar to possess me, for not being strong enough to fight her off when I discovered what was happening. 

I apologized to Keith and Shiro, admitting that while it had been Haggar with them the entire time, she was doing it to spite me since she knew how much it would hurt me to see her with them.

Once the apologies were over, I apologized one last time, in my mind this time, to Blue. She didn't deserve to have such a weak Paladin, to have a Paladin like me. It wasn't fair to her, or to the rest of Voltron.

"I'm so sorry. I just want it to stop." Standing, I turned off the recorder, and made my way to the bathroom. I had already locked my door, even going so far as to double lock it. Doing so had made a shudder run through me. It reminded me of back when I thought this was all just sleep walking. Not being possessed in the middle of the night by and evil sorceress hellbent on my loved ones destruction.

Since Haggar had taken over, my beauty regimen had basically gone to shit, but at least I still had everything.

My hands shook as I picked up the razor that I had been using to shave my face since the beginning of this. I dismantled it enough that only the razor itself remained in my trembling hands.

_I don't want to die._

"But you deserve to." Not Shiro was leaning against the closed bathroom door, a disgusted look on his face that looked so _wrong_ on him that I wanted to throw up.

Now he looked more normal, more like actual Shiro. His eyes didn't glow, and his clothing was his familiar Paladin armor. The expression was still twisted into disgust.

"You're vile, the Galra may have fucked me up, but at least I never let them possess me. I can't believe a Paladin of Voltron would be so weak." His voice pierced something inside of me that I didn't know wasn't broken until it broke.

Keith stood next to him, leaning away from me. "You were just _faking it_ the entire time? It wasn't even you that I told those things to- Lance how could you betray my- _our trust_ like that?" Keith demanded, shoulders shaking in anger. He whirled, punching into the bathroom door.

I winced, falling to my knees. "I didn't- I didn't _mean to_!" I cried, covering my face with my hands. I forgot the razor for a moment, feeling the sharp blade dig into the skin beside one of my eyes. Immediately blood began to weep down my cheek, mingling with the tears that had begun to fall.

"I know I deserve to die, but I still _don't want to!_ " I cried again, shaking.

"If you die… I might just forgive you. The ultimate apology. Hunk will probably never forgive you no matter what you do. Not to mention your family? They wouldn't forgive you for what you've done," Keith bit out, his voice so close to my head I knew that if I looked up I would be looking into his beautiful violet eyes.

Shaking still, I pulled my hands away from my face. With a vicious slash, blood began to bloom from my left wrist. Hands shaking even harder, I transferred the blade to my left hand. With a vicious slash, blood began to bloom from my right wrist.

With each pump of my heart I felt myself falling farther away from the bathroom floor. Somehow I had ended up there. I could feel my heart beating frantically, but my breathing was steady, even, and deep. I could feel everything around me fading, as though I were floating by myself. 

Blue was in front of me. She didn't look like anything, yet she was everything about the ocean, about the color blue. She hugged me fiercely, desperately.

"My Paladin, I cannot lose you. Please, choose to stay. You are not weak for this- my Paladin! Please!" She was commanding me to stay, but I couldn't obey.

Even her grandness began to fade, and everything had already faded to black in the real world. My bond with Blue was gone, and that seemed to be the thing that would have hurt the most. My soul was severed from hers, even as she grasped at me, begging without words for me to hold on a little longer.

"Stay Paladin! Stay with me!" I felt bad making her whimper and sob so. If she wanted me so badly, even with everything I had done, I would stay somehow, for her.

Relieved, Blue embraced me again, taking me within herself.

…

**HUNK'S P.O.V.**

Shiro and Allura had really been too hard on Lance. I had known something wasn't quite right with him. For some reason I couldn't name, I had expected that Blue wouldn't let him in anymore.

"Ugh, Pidge, how can we fix this?" I groaned, laying back over the side of a piece of machinery Coran had given me to tinker with.

Pidge sighed, adjusting their glasses. We were in the Green Lion's hangar, crouched over our own little projects. "I don't think we should be the ones to try and fix whatever is up with Lance. Remember that Shiro and Keith are his boyfriends. They should try, at least they should get a first crack at it. Then Allura. She is the one who's life-force is tied to the Lions. Maybe she could ask Blue what's wrong?"

"Don't you think when Allura was piloting Blue that she wouldn't have tried to ask?" I had already thought of that possibility, and had skipped down to where we came in. As Lance's longest time friends, we might have the best chance at spotting the difference.

Pidge looked thoughtful. "Maybe she did, maybe she was too focused on trying to pilot her and forming Voltron to really ask. Either way, let's go get her." Without waiting for me to reply, Pidge was standing and making her way to the doors that lead to the hallway. 

Sighing, I followed along. 

Somewhere further in the castle, a Lion's roar sounded. It was almost agonized, as far as robotic roars could sound.

From behind us, Green returned the roar, and in the hangars around us, more roars joined in.

"WHAT THE QUIZNAK IS HAPPENING?!" Pidge screeched, rushing to Green. I stopped her before they got too close, picking them up as Green reared back on her hind legs, roaring along with the rest of the lions.

"I DON'T KNOW, BUT YOU CAN'T GET TOO CLOSE PIDGE! GREEN MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY HURT YOU!" I replied, hating having to scream above the ruckus.

Tearing was heard, as though one of the lions was trying to tear its way into the castle. The only lion I had known to react this way was Red, and that was when he had been inside the Blade of Marmora's base. Maybe something was wrong with Keith? Had something happened? Was he alright?

I began to panic while I took Pidge from the hangar, despite their vehement protests that they needed to calm Green down.

"You'll only end up getting yourself hurt Pidge." I muttered, carrying them away in a sack carry. Giving up, Pidge began trying to track down where the roaring had started. Unfortunately it was almost impossible to tell. Yellow was on Green's left, while Black, Red, and Blue were all on Green's right.

We had begun to search for the others, to see if they could tell what had happened, when the roaring stopped as suddenly as it had started. The resulting silence was so overwhelming that I put down Pidge and clapped my hands over my ears, afraid I had gone deaf.

Pidge looked equally disoriented, swaying on their feet slightly.

"What… what the quiznak just happened?" They whispered, breaking the terrible silence, but not ending it.

We turned a corner in the halls, relieved to see that Keith and Shiro were there. They looked flustered, and alarmed. They also looked like they hadn't had proper time to get dressed from what they had most likely been doing.

Grimacing, I turned, looking for Lance.

"Guys…" I murmured quietly, almost too terrified to speak. I wanted the lions to be roaring again. Everyone's attention was on me, ranging from curious to impatient to respectfully patient. "…where's Lance?" It was hard to breathe.

The looks on everyone's faces as they realized Lance wasn't here. The color draining from everything as we all began to think about what the roaring could have meant. The pounding feet sounding as we all began to think about what the roaring _stopping_ could have meant.

I shoved past Allura and Coran in the hallway as they rushed down to the hangars we had all been gathered in just moments ago.

"Hunk! What in the quiznak is going on?!" Allura demanded, but I didn't give her an answer, and neither did Keith, or Pidge, or Shiro.

Shiro and Keith quickly outpaced Pidge and I, beating all of us to Lance's room. They were desperately pounding on the door, shouting for Lance to come out. They tried to open the door, found it locked, tried to override the lock, but were frustrated by the second lock.

_He had that installed because he had been sleep walking, and didn't want to accidentally shoot himself out of an airlock…_ the thought whirred distantly through my head as I stepped forward and manhandled Keith and Shiro aside. They were too shocked to really say anything, just moving. 

I gave the lock a few solid good pounds, knocking the damned thing right off of the wall. The door opened with a slight _whoosh_. I couldn't see Lance anywhere. I noticed the camera set up, and shuddered. Some thought in the back of my head had triggered a memory I didn't -couldn't- think about right now. I moved purposefully to the closed bathroom door.

"Lance? Buddy are you in there?" I asked gently, probably too quietly. I could barely feel myself breathing, how had I gotten in enough air to even ask the question?

Pidge moved up beside me. Curiously, Keith and Shiro weren't pushing past us to get at Lance. Pidge unlocked the door, but stood away, shying away from what they might find on the other side.

It was too quiet in here. Without the roaring of the lions it was too quiet. Without Lance's chatter it was too quiet.

The door slid open, and as one, we stepped inside. With all five of us, it was rather cramped. I didn't know what to make of what my eyes were telling me was there. Crumpled like a broken marionette in front of the shower stall. Skin paler than it had any right to be, stained darker than it had any right to be in all the wrong places.

Keith began screaming. Pidge slumped to their knees. Shiro stumbled back, eyes never leaving Lance's body.

The longer I looked, the more I hated what I saw. Blood covered half of Lance's face, started from a small cut underneath his eye. _Did he try to dig out his eye?_ The thought flitted through my mind too fast for me to process. Blood soaked Lance's clothes that touched the ground, a blood splatter staining his grey shirt. Blood soaked the hem's of the jacket he always wore. Blood soaked the jacket below and around the jagged hole that had been slashed in each wrist.

_It's too much blood._

Keith had rushed to Lance, and was shaking him, begging him in the most broken voice that he couldn't be gone, why was he gone? When I looked, Shiro was gone. Pidge was still staring numbly, mouth held slightly open.

Rage welled within me. It had no focus, I just wanted to _destroy_ and stop feeling such _hurt_. How could this happen? How could no one see that Lance was feeling like this? How could Keith and Shiro not have noticed? How could _I_ not have noticed? I was supposed to be his best friend, and I had no _fucking clue_ that Lance hurt so badly that he would… that he would...

My soul shattered inside myself, broken into unfixable pieces.

Yellow roared in sympathetic rage. 

I lashed out at her, demanding why she hadn't talked to Blue, why Blue hadn't told anyone. I shut off whatever Yellow had been about to say.

Distantly I felt myself stop Keith, gently pulling him away from Lance's body.

"He's gone." My hands shook as I said it, but my voice was firmer than I had thought it would be. "Shiro needs to get back here." I stated, pushing Keith towards the door. "Pidge, you need to find Allura and Coran, bring them here. I don’t… I don't know what we can do for him." Even though I had sent them on their tasks, and they both left, I felt like I needed to do something.

How was I staying so calm?

It seemed a mere few seconds before Allura and Coran were there, each of them looking ashen as they gazed at the former Blue Paladin. Tears silently fell down their faces, backs ramrod straight. Keith dragged Shiro back into Lance's room, but couldn't make him go further.

"How…?" Allura breathed, the first sound in too long. I couldn't stand the quiet. "How could he do this?" I preferred the quiet to this.

I whirled around, punching the wall only a few inches from her face. My hand made a cracking sound, but I dented the wall. Allura looked almost faint, and had stumbled back in alarm.

" _You don't say that, you don't ever say that!_ " I breathed right in her pointed ear. She shivered, shrinking away from me. Pidge and Keith both looked like they wanted to murder Allura, but I flicked my gaze over to Coran, curious to see his reaction.

He was kneeling down next to Lance. He didn't appear to have noticed Allura's words or my response to them.

"He is gone, not even his Quintessence remains. Normally there is something left, normally there is all of it left so soon after death." Coran muttered, hands ghosting over Lance's body.

"When humans die, our souls leave our bodies, we don't have anything left." Pidge spoke haltingly, leaving the bathroom again, their legs shaking. They sat down heavily in the chair in front of Lance's desk. They stared at the camera setup, unblinking.

We all stood around where Pidge sat, or rather, Shiro and Keith were shaking on Lance's bed, holding each other, and Allura, Coran and I were standing.

"I never saw any entries for Lance using this." Pidge murmured, lightly fingering the sleek camera. It basically looked like a curved wire with a fat end, but the fat end held the camera, it was aimed towards the bathroom.

I was afraid to voice what everyone knew. _Well, Coran and Allura might not know, but the humans know._ I thought distantly.

"Should we… should we see what it says?" Pidge asked haltingly, their voice trembling in a way that betrayed their age. Pidge, a _teenager_ , was asking if they should view their longtime friend and teammate's _suicide note_. I shuddered, reaching forward and stopping their hand before they could hit any of the buttons. 

"Hold on a second. First, let's… we should move his body somewhere else. I can't… not with his body…" I shuddered again, ashamed of myself for not even being able to form a coherent sentence.

Coran piped up, albeit in a rather subdued manner for him. "We can put him in a cryopod, maybe even try to see if we can extract his memories, just like His Majesty Alfor…" Coran gulped suddenly, "At the very least, the cryopod would stop his body from… decaying." Coran was struggling to hold back tears.

I nodded, turning back to the bathroom. I froze however, unsure of what to do next. How did we get his body there? The thought must have been telegraphed through every fiber of my body, because two sets of hands were pulling me gently away.

Shiro and Keith moved into the bathroom, picking up Lance, and carrying him out of the room. Coran followed. I couldn't seem to move, so I didn't. I just stood, staring at the wall.

_Paladin, you will know what happened. We will avenge him._ Yellow's voice startled me, and her words had me breaking down in sobs. 

_You can't avenge suicide! The murderer is already dead!_ I screamed with my soul, uncaring of how it would hurt Yellow. She seemed to understand, because she began to purr in comfort, sighing almost.

_You will understand soon._

…

It seemed forever that Coran, Keith, and Shiro returned. No one had said anything, but I had thankfully stopped sobbing, at least for the moment.

Everyone sat down, and Pidge set up the camera to projector mode. Their hands shook as they pressed the button to play the only video message on file. They then scrambled to sit down, grabbing my arm and pulling it into their lap. 

The video feed began to play, and I took a shuddering breath in preparation.

…

We weren't prepared.

Lance looked like a complete wreck, his eyes crazed in a way we had only seen Shiro's whenever he was having an episode. Every now and then he would fall silent, eyes focused on a point beyond the screen. His mouth mumbled words during those times, too quiet for the camera to pick up.

Lance explained about everything. About the Druid, Haggar, that had been possessing him for almost a year.

_How did we not notice this?_ I berated myself, horrified as he described that she had tortured him mentally, shying away from the details.

Shiro had hidden his face in his hands, and Keith had started making a low keening sound that turned into a scream when Lance got to the part about Haggar allowing him to touch them so he could feel it, but it would be perverted and twisted.

Lance fell silent for longer this time, staring off to the side of the camera. When he opened his mouth to speak, it sounded odd.

_"That was enough to break you? You poor, wretched fool. You even saw some of the shit they put me through, and you're disgustingly weak enough that that broke you? Just that? It's no wonder you're the Blue Paladin, you're replaceable, weak, and too easily broken."_ Lance shuddered away, blinking back tears, but didn't say anything else for a while. 

Then his eyes refocused on the camera, and he began apologizing. I wanted to scream at Pidge to shut it off. I didn't want to hear it. He had been… his mind had been _violated_ , over and over again. And Lance… Lance was _apologizing to us for it._ I couldn't stand it.

A growl rose in the back of my throat, but before it could be unleashed, Lance smiled. It wasn't a real smile. It was sad but horribly resigned.

_He thought this was the best thing to do. He had been driven to kill himself by that witch!_

He closed his eyes, bowing his head for a moment. _"I'm so sorry. I just want it to stop."_ He murmured, standing. His hand reached for the camera, and it shut off.

 The room was too quiet again. It was like a horrible ringing that seemed hellbent on driving me insane. Lance hadn't been doing this to end his suffering, well at least he had, but his suffering had been… his suffering had been so much more than any of us could have imagined.

The silence was broken by Keith sobbing into Shiro's limp embrace. He had silent tears running down his face. His mouth was open slightly, and he didn't blink. His eyes were focused on where the projection used to be.

"That person… Lance was speaking with people that weren't there… one of them was me." Shiro gasped out, his voice so strained it was a miracle I could hear him.

"No! Don't you _dare_ Takashi Shirogane! Don't you dare try to blame yourself completely for this!" Keith yelled, grabbing the collar of Shiro's shirt. "If anyone is to blame, it's _my fault_! He even said it! I stole that container of Quintessence! If I hadn't've done that, then that filthy bitch would never have gotten her claws into him!" Keith was shaking, but his voice was strong, almost hysterical.

Pidge was glaring at Keith now, as though they were taking his words to heart.

"No… Pidge it isn't his fault this happened. It's her's, the Druid. She did this to Lance. Not one of us." I tried to be the voice of reason here, but it was quickly failing.

Pidge had stalked up to Keith and slapped him smartly across the face. Without another word, they practically ran out of the room.

"What… what do we do now? We don't have a Blue Paladin anymore. We can't just go out and find a new one either. Just because Blue is the most accepting of people doesn't mean she's that accepting! Just compared to everyone else she's the easiest." Allura was panicking, and all Coran was doing was holding her, squeezing tighter when it seemed she would collapse.

I nodded in sympathy. "Allura, I know you'll have to train at it, but until something better can be figured out, you need to be the Blue Paladin," I told her, looking down to the ground. I didn't want to see anyone's face. We knew how difficult it had been for her to sync up with the rest of us earlier. 

But Blue had let her in, so that meant we had a shot at least.

…

**ALLURA'S P.O.V.**

The castle ship was too quiet nowadays. Thankfully we hadn't needed Voltron to defeat the Galran forces we came across in the past three vargas. During that time I was able to focus on bonding with the Blue Lion, and the rest of the team.

The Blue Lion was gentle and comforting, but there seemed to be a different layer to her than the last time I had piloted her before Lance…

I shook my head to clear it, eyes narrowing as I caught sight of a large Galran vessel. Signal readings the ship's scanners had done revealed a heavy concentration of Druid magic inside the large enemy ship. They hadn't noticed us yet thankfully, so we still had the element of surprise on our side.

"Paladins! To your lions!" Shiro called, standing from his chair on the bridge and stalking from the room. I followed the rest of them, entering Blue's hangar with only a slight falter in my step.

She bowed gracefully before me, allowing me to enter the cockpit.

My legs shook as I set down in the pilot's chair, a fine tremor that I could pass off as exhaustion from standing for so long.

As Blue came to life beneath my fingertips, the bond flared to life, more energy than I had expected pounding through it. Normally Blue was more reserved, a darker, contemplative energy had usually accompanied me activating her.

_What's happening?_ I thought warily, easing Blue out into space. There was still time to call off the mission. If Blue was malfunctioning, or if I wasn't syncing properly, we still had time to leave safely.

The roar that Blue sent through my mind made me gasp. It felt like pure joy, and righteous anger, wrapped around each other in a combination I wasn't sure was healthy.

" _Allura? Everything okay?_ " Shiro asked over the comms, his voice wasn't overly concerned. It was more the detached, and commanding tone of someone who was just checking in. It made my heart hurt a bit to hear the Leader of Voltron sound so dispassionate.

"Yes, sorry, Blue's energy feels different is all." I replied, trying to brush off the savage glee coursing through the link. Of course Blue would know from my own knowledge the ship we were attacking, the person we were attacking. Of course she would want revenge as much as the rest of us.

…

We made our attack, surprising the ship as we had intended. All of the lion's seemed viciously gleeful as we tore the ship apart.

Hunk was the one that found Haggar. Surprisingly I was the one that had to pry his hands off of her. Black blood leaked from her finely pointed nose, and the hood was thrown back from her face, revealing startlingly familiar features.

Her Altean blood would not save her from our wrath.

I handed her over to Keith and Shiro, after allowing Pidge to cut out her tongue. We didn't need her twisting words and putting Shiro's mind back in a blender.

I didn't ask what they had done to her. But they did manage to extract her memories, as we had failed to do with Sendak before. Pidge took the task of picking through them to find any useful information. Apparently there was a lot, she seemed to be the High Priestess among the Druids, almost at the right hand of Zarkon. 

Pidge seemed to enjoy their task, taking great delight as we put the knowledge to use on various missions.

…

Blue's energy didn't go back to before, it just changed subtly. The emotions were heightened, intensified in a way I wasn't sure I was supposed to be feeling. The other paladins didn't feel such things with their lions, and I knew for a fact that my bond with the Blue Lion was not better than their bonds with their own lions.

_Why is it so different?_ I mused, relaxing in Blue's cockpit. I would meditate on the energy for hours on end, trying to figure out what it was.

Blue purred to me, another voice seeming to join her croons. She was pleased that I spent so much time with her, trying to figure out what was going on. With a few gentle nudges, she pulled my mind away from myself, my senses dulling until they sharpened painfully.

Waves pulsed around my body, with every pulse they shifted color. Ice seemed to float above my head as clouds. Varying shades of blue was all I could see. My own body glowed a faint blue, much fainter than felt correct.

_"What's going on?"_ I wondered, turning around. There was no solid ground, but I was able to move with ease. In a flash, I realized where I was, and gasped. I was inside the astral plane that the Blue Lion projected as her mind.

It was vast and soothing, but a prickling energy had me whirling around. 

_"Hey Princess,"_

**Author's Note:**

> Wow right? How dare I? What kind of ending is that? Right? I feel you, but I just felt that was the best way to end it. If you would like more, feel free to tell me so down below.
> 
> Please, tell me what you liked, didn't like, possible mistakes you could have found. Just, comments in general feed my soul, ya feel?


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